Farewells

Tonight I render

in my defeat

with sudden thoughts

and gritted teeth

I'll do my best

to ease the pain

May I request

you do the same

I'll miss your smile,

And those beaming eyes

My love, my dearest love,

This is good bye

So I wonder, 

before time's due

When will I ever see 

the unmasked you

18° F

Forever stuck in this freezing fahrenheit, 

his iced vodka as cold as her heart. 

No words could ever say, 

and no colors could ever match her hue. 

That's when I've learned 

why she always had a thing for blue. 

Breathe

But baby it's okay to breathe, 

calm your mind and learn to be free. 

The sun will rise at 6am, 

so watch the world light up with me. 

As the earth awakens like the child you are, 

the heavens will burn with the brightest star. 

For the darkness never lasts, 

and so will your sorrows. 

Here is where the sun meets the sky, 

a day they called tomorrow. 

But baby, it's okay to breathe. 

I'm here, always here 

- and never gonna flee.

             written and illustrated by Yancs (2014)

3:02 am

I let myself drift away in all the sentences I've ever written and in all the thoughts I have left unspoken. To all the words I've ever known and to the greater vast of vocabulary I have yet to learn. 

I succumb in to the darkness, and at the same time in to the light, where I gave in to all the things I am aware and unaware of. To all the things I've learned to love and grew to hate, to all the things I've ever acquired and yet to loose. To all the things I have touched, and to all the things I was never meant to have. To those all I finally gave myself in. Without misgiving, without resisting. 

I let the seas wash away what's left of me, just as how I let the wind take control of where it shall  take me. I allowed the stars to determine my path, hoping it would lead me to somewhere less messed up as to where I am now. 

I removed my guards and my defenses, which made me not just vulnerable - but weak and exposed to whatever lies unknown. 

I've finally learned to let go, to set free and to just be still. I stopped holding on to whatever I think I was grasping, and as my fingertips untouched all my desires and wonders - it all made sense now. 

But please, know this very well; That I did not stop trying because I gave up, instead, I gave in. I stopped trying not because I grew tired or weary.

I stopped trying, because I've finally learned to trust the world, to trust the universe, and perhaps  all the gods before me. 

I stopped trying, because for once, I wanted to know how it is to be alive. I wanted to trust in life, just as how I wanted to escape a world of worries and doubts. 

For once, just this once, I wanted to forget it all. I wanted to stop resisting, for it will only wound me. I wanted to stop pretending, for it will only rot me. I wanted to stop being control of everything - for eventually, it will drain my soul.

And then finally, when I'm all set for free falling; I drowned  myself in thoughts of you, and as I sank deep in this madness that they called love, I've learned to live without having to breathe. 

Marian Jane Nicolas

“I have this passion of putting words in to pictures. Naniniwala kasi ako na pareho silang makapangyarihang instrumento. At marapat lang na pagsamahin sila. When a wonderful painting and a beautiful constellation of words come together – wala na’ng mas lalakas pa sa dalawang pinag-isa.”   

~ Marian to Venice 

(Athena's School of the Cultured)

Espresso

You remind me of freshly brewed coffee in a Sunday morning. I fall in love with its scent the moment I step down the stairs with a hungry stomach waiting for a good set of breakfast.

Quite bitter with the tiniest hint of sweetness – that’s how I always wanted my coffee done.

When it’s all prepared I’d wait a minute or two to drink it so it would slightly cool off, but I’d make sure it’s still hot enough for me to feel the comfy warmth it brings in my stomach.

You remind me of coffee, I say. The first thing I look forward to in the morning, and perhaps the only thing that can keep me awake through out my day.

I always thought of it as a little reward for myself; like a prize after every achievement, or after every while when I got to finish my paper works. Sometimes, when things didn’t turn out exactly like planned, I run to a coffee shop for comfort.

It has always been a wonder for me, you know. How coffee could calm my veins in such a soothing manner that with just one sip – all the stress and anxiety of today suddenly turns in to pointless pieces of nothing. 

Sometimes, though, when I “accidentally” drink too much, it would keep me up all night ‘til I only got 3 hours of sleep.

You remind me of coffee, I say.

I remember a time when I got too addicted to caffeine until my body could no longer handle it. I felt my heart beating in a reckless manner, so much of it I found it hard to breathe. My palms were sweating cold and my whole body shivered. My lungs began to beg for air, and in that desperate moment of mine – I learned that no matter how much I loved something, too much of it would eventually destroy me.

You remind me of coffee.

You surely do.

A Combination

He looked at her
with burning gaze
filled with awe
in a wondering state

It took a minute,
but not long did it take
before he realized
she was not a mistake

She's everything at once
a hell in the calm
the night of the sun
and a billion of none

She's a combination
of black and white,
yes and no,
wrong and right

Subtle and strong,
outgoing and shy,
broken and bold,
quiet and wild

but mostly - 
he thought so very last
she is a combination
of what he loves the most
and what he can never have

never did,
never will,
and perhaps
not in this lifetime

not tonight,
not in those eyes,
and definitely
not in this sad rhyme



~ yancs  11/24/14

To heaven's mailbox

11/22/14


Dear J, 



How are you? I wanted to ask you that badly for so long. Lately I've been counting days, and to be honest, I lost track of time. I lost track not because I didn't care or that I forgot, but because I couldn't stop the sting in my chest whenever I count the days that passed since the last time I saw you.

I miss you. We all do. So much that none of these feels even real. When you left, you left everything behind. Right now I hope you're in a much better place. Right now I hope that you're in peace, and that the chaos of this world no longer affects you.

We're fine, really. In my off chance that somehow this message could reach you, I want to tell you that we're fine. We're fine, not in the sense that nothing's wrong, but thankfully, everything's still doable. Although our past month can be compared to that of a hell, right now I'm happy to tell you that we're currently in progress. I wanted to tell you not to worry because we're doing what we can to cope with the changes, with the loss, with everything you left behind.

We have our hard times, of course. Some days we didn't feel anything, or say anything about it, but the silence screamed your name so loud it didn't make a sound. I miss you. We all do.

Some nights I wished you should have held on a little longer.
But that would be selfish of me, wouldn't that be?

I remember you telling me before - in a letter you once wrote me - that I should not fear nor doubt for the Lord has His ways that we would never comprehend. You told me to believe because someday all these will make sense.

And to be honest, that's what keeps me going.

You're the sole reason why I'm still fighting the battle I didn't know I was ever supposed to take.

Because of you I held on to this tiny spark of hope that all these will connect, in the right time and in the best possible way.

You told me that I was given a gift that would serve a purpose to the ones we love, and that you told me to use it.

I promised you I would be strong. For myself, for you, for our family, for all that's left and for all its worth.

I wanted to tell you many things.

I wanted to fill this letter with every thing I wanted you to know but my words are lacking and I didn't think it will ever be possible to sum up all my aching thoughts of you. Not tonight, and definitely not this way.

Again, in my off chance that somehow this letter may possibly reach you;
I wanted to tell you that this is me, fulfilling my promises. 






Yours always,

B

Throwback Writes

PS: something I wrote last year. throwback to the days when my thoughts aren't really that organized. hahah anyway, too lazy to rewrite this one. 

The Beauty within Scars

       As human beings, we all had a time where we gained scars and have been wounded. For some, they spend their lives in hiding those marks, keeping them out of sight, because they have chosen to leave everything behind them. With all the imperfections and flaws brought by scars, somehow I still see them differently. There’s something in them that makes me admire the mark they leave on people. 

         Scars are reminders that the past is real. They remind us that we are people who get hurt too. Some scars remind us of our mistakes, even the lessons we’ve learned from them. Those marks remind us of the times we were defeated, and how we managed to get up and continue to fight. The scars serve as our motivation, a caution, and a source of courage. It tells us that there is always healing after injury, just like a new chance after defeat. Our scars simply make us stronger, wiser, and braver to face whatever lies unknown.

         Those marks imprinted on us make us whole, because it completes each of our personas, leaving a sign of our past. When everything from the past is gone, scars are the only evidence left they were real. Yes, we must leave the past behind and move on with our lives, but we must never forget where we came from. We need our past so we can learn from them to make us a better person.

         Our scars remind us that at some point of our lives, we fought for something. Those wounds engraved not only in our skin, but also in our hearts, are signs of our great love for others. Scars and wounds remind us of the pain we have felt, and tell us to help other people because we knew what it feels to be hurt. 

         One thing we should know is that we should not be ashamed of the scars that we gained. Those wounds represent the battles we have taken, and the times we have surpassed those trials. Out of suffering the strongest souls have emerged, and the most massive characters are seared with scars. Those marks are what make us great warriors.

         And just like scars, we all need to heal. Get over it and move on; because in this life, we all get hurt. We just have to choose our battles worth fighting for, and find a person worth having our scars for. At the end of the day, we must see all scars as beauty. For scars aren’t gained by the weak and quitters. Scars are marked to those who fought and survived.

To fear and fear not

"To get lost in your eyes was the greatest fear I've known, for I'm sure I'll never catch myself again after that,

To drown in your madness and to be taken away by your touch - I fear that I might lose myself forever.

But I don't mind.

I've always belonged to you anyway." 

Charlotte ( Paranoia )

I guess this is the point where I can't deny my feelings anymore. Yes, I was too afraid to admit that I maybe facing two things: 1. That I am so captivated by her beauty that I can no longer recognize anybody else or 2. That I am just irrevocably and pathetically in love with her. 

I didn't decide whether it's 1 or 2, but I guess which ever of the two, they are still both tragic for me anyway. 

Every detail of her face carved a mark on my soul I can never erase. And I hate her for that, but at the same time it feels like it makes me love her more.

Every night when I go to bed I dream of her - and every morning when I wake up I  still crave for her - and every time I close my eyes - I need her.

Every inch of her and every detail. 

Her electric green eyes that reminded me of emeralds

Her long black hair that formed waves just around her body

Her tiny freckles that matched the stars in the evening sky

Her cheeks that turn to apple-red whenever she's too shy 

Her red full lips that I've dreamt to kiss every minute of everyday

And lastly

I've been craving for her arms that never longed to hold me. 

I guess this sums up my heart aching love for a girl named Charlotte,

or as other people call it

paranoia

The Waiting Place

And it was in the waiting place, where she sat still for hours, hoping for the boy she once knew. As she waited quietly in despair, her heart pounded with fear - fear of uncertainty and fear of another heartbreak. Although she seemed hopeless, she never left the waiting place. More hours passed, and the boy was still out of sight. Just as she was about to leave, he came.

But the boy that came was different. He changed in all possible ways a person could. "What happened to you?" She can't help but ask.

He did not answer, but the pain in his eyes tells it all. In that moment, she realized that when people leave, it's never really the same person that comes back.

She who was drained by the city

She was a troubled little thing that lived in a lifeless city of constant desires and never-ending disappointment of mankind. Her eyes are tired, her tears have dried, and maybe - she's just defeated by the sight of dull buildings that's slowly suffocating her.

An Enigma

You have this scary, wonderful, crazy effect on me I never quite understood.

And I fear I never will, and all my life I'll wonder why

You to me - is like a finished book with its last page torn off - something I will never seem to fully comprehend

You to me - is like a puzzle never to be solved, a riddle without an answer - and a thought with no sense at all

You to me - are all the things I'll never understand

Yet I chose to love you still so dearly. 

Midnight realization

Maybe after all these times I wasn't really lost. Nor was I forsaken or unwanted or abandoned. Maybe I was just drunk in hate. The filth that stained me came from my own abomination, and the sorrows that covered me like a blanket was the product of my inability to forgive. And maybe, I deprived myself of my own happiness. 

I build up my own defenses, blocking everything that comes my way - including people and chances - because of my fear of ever being hurt again. I forgot what it meant to be human. 

To be human - which is to be vulnerable. I was too afraid and too defensive. Too broke to ever love again. Too hurt to ever forgive. Too tired, and sadly, too judged. 

Life wasn't supposed to be lived like this. Life was not supposed to be lived in fear and hate. You bend and you break, you stumble then you bleed. That's how life works, whether you like it or you like it - cause darling, you won't be getting any other choice. 

So you better strengthen yourself and learn to heal your wounds. Forgive, love, take chances, take risks, and most of all defeat fear. 

Life isn't easy, so do yourself a favor and don't make it harder for you or anybody else. 

The Endlessness in Her

It's fascinating, really.

How she viewed the world, how she saw life and death, how she thinks that she over-thinks, how she hates compliments and never believed in them, how she cries yet still looked gorgeous, how she can light up your day and then the next minute bring up a tornado, how she loves the seas but hated the water, and just - how she is. 


She is pained inside but it's actually fine with her. She doesn't mind goofing around, being clumsy and vulnerable at times. She makes mistakes and will probably make the same mistakes again. She is a mess - a wonderful mess. Her flaws added to perfection and when she smiles -  you'll fall deeper in love with her - again and again, until you can't get out anymore.


You'll love the way she talks, even when she babbles, you'll listen all ears anyway. She'll probably talk about the same topic for the nth time but it's okay with you because you know you'll miss her voice when she's not around.


She was a never-ending puzzle. One day you think you know her, the next day you'll be surprised of what she is and what she can do. 

She is a girl with endless possibilities, endless chances, endless stories, endless surprises, and undying hope.


She is the girl who can show you what infinity tastes like.


She can show you a whole more of this world - so much more than any man could ever fathom.


She does it so relentlessly she makes me want to believe in forever.

Ice of a heart

There is something about blue.

Something about it that pinched the back of his brain and brought back memories he tried to forget.

There's something about it that made him feel something - is it hate, is it love, or is it hate and love combined - I simply do not know.


Maybe because the color blue made him remember someone he once held so dearly.

Someone he used to spend the day with under the blue sky.

Someone with eyes so blue that matched the depth of the ocean.

Someone that gave him chills like the winter blue.


And when she left - she turned his whole life blue as well.



Blue is not the warmest of colors.
- at least it's not as cold as her heart. 

Mind over matter

It was probably just a thought that circled the walls of my mind that kept me still over the lazy hours.

It was, then it was not.

I've never imagined how a single thought could grow like a seed, spread like a parasite and feed up my brain as fast as like that - without me noticing how and when. It was amazing, actually, in a way I was surprised to see the effect it had in my body and in my actions. To think differently is to act differently - and when these actions became a part of the everyday cycle - it turns in to living.

The day I've decided to think positive, to think in a way that life has so much more to offer, to seek chances, and to believe that things will eventually get better, is the start where I've learned to live better. Happier. Stronger. And most of all packed with hope.

I have fed my mind with the idea to always look on the bright side of everything and to find something to look forward to throughout my days.


And so my wholeness followed with what my mind comprehended.


Mind over matter it is.

Another one of my 12am writings...

L o v e 

One night I met a woman, maybe around her late 60's, old and weak, yet she still had that keenness in her I never quite understood.

I was young and she was the opposite of it yet her heart never aged along with time.

We talked for some hours, killing time on that park bench along the river. I told her my story, she told me hers. 

As she said she was married, I can't help but ask her what love meant for the two of them.

She then answered by telling me their story.

She was a lovely girl that had a special place in her heart for singing. Always did she sang, and mostly - her songs were about him.

She will sing for him all the time and it made him fall in love with her over again, each piece making him drawn to her even more.

He loved the way she sang; every words and every melody, and somehow he understood the sweetness in her voice better than anybody else.

She paused her story and smiled at me. With confusion, I asked "Well, how does that define love?" 

Her smile grew bigger, and with an "oops", she said "Did I forget to mention he was deaf?"

~

He could not understand her words nor her song - But he understood her soul so terribly well.

Love.

The girl who is, but not

              She is the ballerina 

                  she never was

           She missed the songs

               she never danced

         She keeps the memories

                 she never knew

                - And your smile,

             she adores that too

             She craved for nights

                 she never lived

                She didn't know,

            but she's sure she did

                She never wanted 

                    a perfect lad

               -You were the man

                  she only loved

             b u t    n e v e r    h a d 

page 1 of yancs' journal

Days have passed and my hours revolved around tragic memories and saddened thoughts of the past that still hold me down like an anchor to the sea.

Staring at blank space looking like a mad man sitting at a corner of a dimmed room and forever asking where it went wrong.

It's tiring, really.

I've experienced worse nights than this and uglier battles with myself but sometimes it's the consistency of it all that's slowly drowning me.

Well, what can I say. That's me.

I'm weak when I'm brave, I'm scared when I'm happy, I'm unsure of almost everything around me, but mostly - I'm in need of you.

If it isn't too much to ask, of course.

A saddened wish

You never actually feel the pain of being alone, -yet, when you have company to surround you for the moment.

Everything seems fine at first, but every laughter is a bliss, and happiness is nothing but a quick swish of wind. So the moment after each conversations, when the lights finally go dimmer, when you're finally alone in a room, silence comes to choke you - then the sting in the chest follows to remind you of your solitary.

No, it's not fatal.

The pain won't kill you in the moment. - But the feeling of everyday torture, the thought of having to do the same sad routine all over again, the feeling when you pass by happy people and see genuine smiles, it all will eventually drain the life out of you.


No, it's not fatal.

But you'll wish it was.



~ Yancs

The way she writes

They say she was an open book, a window with transparent glass - so easy to read, so easy to see pass through.

If she's happy she'll think lovely thoughts and her pen will do the same, if she's sad her poems will mourn along with her.

If she's angry her writings will scream her hatred away, if she's in the mood she'll write very so effortless.

If she's in love, it's that one person all her writings were about.
And if her heart gets broken,

She'll forget how to write.



- yancs damien

A bitter thinking

Deep down I wish it burned like torches soaked in kerosene in your heart...

Cause honestly?

It did in mine.

To Miss You

It was this kind of loneliness. The ones you feel on a quiet rainy day, whereas the only sound to accompany you was droplets of water. 


It was this kind of loneliness. The ones you feel in a room filled with memories to remember but never again to be lived. 

It's when you lie down on an empty space with empty soul and empty heart.



That's when I miss you the most. | 

E y e s

They say eyes are the gateways to a person's soul - but I never believed that, I simply can't.

I have looked inside your eyes for a number of times but I have not for once seen your soul.

Because all I saw was mine.

In your eyes I've found myself, whom I've been longing for so long I didn't know I still existed. 

Your eyes aren't the gateways to your soul.


- It's where mine is trapped all along.

My cause of death

At times I think of death,
Somehow you crossed my mind.
When my time is about to end,
And no hero can save my life.

I think I'd die of fire
Until I burn my soul
I think I'd die from illness
Or maybe when I am old

Sometimes I think of cars
And straight to me they'd crash
Sometimes I think of poison
How it could kill me in a flash

Of all these things, 
I could get killed
But You're the one
I mostly fear

You hold me close,
You hold my breath
You scare me better
Than any threat

Many things can end my life
But you kill me faster than any knife
Every time you make a lie
In my heart I know I've died

Yes, I would rather die for a bullet
Cause that would be easier to hold
- Than to watch you love someone else
And then die as you slowly go.

Peur

"I never really knew the meaning of  fear.
- Until I saw the way you looked at her."

photo courtesy of Ms. Sunyee Maluche   (@itsmesunyee on instagram)

I never feared death, nor oblivion.
But then I never knew I'd fear something so simple. 




As I sat in one corner, silent but filled with dismay, my eyes scanned every inch of her image, jealousy written all over my face. 

She was beautiful, with perfect dark hair that fell to her back, eyes that all woman would envy, and that kind of smile any guy would kill for. Her fair skin with no sign of flaw, her perfect body, and her charms.

Everything that I am not. 

As my eyes turned to you, I felt a sting in my chest. You were looking straight at her. You were even too busy to notice I was in the same room with you. 

I tried to hide this feeling, although the water in my eyes showed it all. Slowly, I try to close my eyes, as a teardrop ran through my cheeks.

I closed my eyes suddenly wishing to never saw it after all.
I never knew the true meaning of fear. Until she came along.

Jealousy, insecurities and fear of losing you mixed inside of me. It was that painful I felt burning in my heart. 

I've never been so afraid in my life.
Until now, I guess.