To fear and fear not

"To get lost in your eyes was the greatest fear I've known, for I'm sure I'll never catch myself again after that,

To drown in your madness and to be taken away by your touch - I fear that I might lose myself forever.

But I don't mind.

I've always belonged to you anyway." 

Charlotte ( Paranoia )

I guess this is the point where I can't deny my feelings anymore. Yes, I was too afraid to admit that I maybe facing two things: 1. That I am so captivated by her beauty that I can no longer recognize anybody else or 2. That I am just irrevocably and pathetically in love with her. 

I didn't decide whether it's 1 or 2, but I guess which ever of the two, they are still both tragic for me anyway. 

Every detail of her face carved a mark on my soul I can never erase. And I hate her for that, but at the same time it feels like it makes me love her more.

Every night when I go to bed I dream of her - and every morning when I wake up I  still crave for her - and every time I close my eyes - I need her.

Every inch of her and every detail. 

Her electric green eyes that reminded me of emeralds

Her long black hair that formed waves just around her body

Her tiny freckles that matched the stars in the evening sky

Her cheeks that turn to apple-red whenever she's too shy 

Her red full lips that I've dreamt to kiss every minute of everyday

And lastly

I've been craving for her arms that never longed to hold me. 

I guess this sums up my heart aching love for a girl named Charlotte,

or as other people call it

paranoia

The Waiting Place

And it was in the waiting place, where she sat still for hours, hoping for the boy she once knew. As she waited quietly in despair, her heart pounded with fear - fear of uncertainty and fear of another heartbreak. Although she seemed hopeless, she never left the waiting place. More hours passed, and the boy was still out of sight. Just as she was about to leave, he came.

But the boy that came was different. He changed in all possible ways a person could. "What happened to you?" She can't help but ask.

He did not answer, but the pain in his eyes tells it all. In that moment, she realized that when people leave, it's never really the same person that comes back.

She who was drained by the city

She was a troubled little thing that lived in a lifeless city of constant desires and never-ending disappointment of mankind. Her eyes are tired, her tears have dried, and maybe - she's just defeated by the sight of dull buildings that's slowly suffocating her.

An Enigma

You have this scary, wonderful, crazy effect on me I never quite understood.

And I fear I never will, and all my life I'll wonder why

You to me - is like a finished book with its last page torn off - something I will never seem to fully comprehend

You to me - is like a puzzle never to be solved, a riddle without an answer - and a thought with no sense at all

You to me - are all the things I'll never understand

Yet I chose to love you still so dearly. 

Midnight realization

Maybe after all these times I wasn't really lost. Nor was I forsaken or unwanted or abandoned. Maybe I was just drunk in hate. The filth that stained me came from my own abomination, and the sorrows that covered me like a blanket was the product of my inability to forgive. And maybe, I deprived myself of my own happiness. 

I build up my own defenses, blocking everything that comes my way - including people and chances - because of my fear of ever being hurt again. I forgot what it meant to be human. 

To be human - which is to be vulnerable. I was too afraid and too defensive. Too broke to ever love again. Too hurt to ever forgive. Too tired, and sadly, too judged. 

Life wasn't supposed to be lived like this. Life was not supposed to be lived in fear and hate. You bend and you break, you stumble then you bleed. That's how life works, whether you like it or you like it - cause darling, you won't be getting any other choice. 

So you better strengthen yourself and learn to heal your wounds. Forgive, love, take chances, take risks, and most of all defeat fear. 

Life isn't easy, so do yourself a favor and don't make it harder for you or anybody else. 

The Endlessness in Her

It's fascinating, really.

How she viewed the world, how she saw life and death, how she thinks that she over-thinks, how she hates compliments and never believed in them, how she cries yet still looked gorgeous, how she can light up your day and then the next minute bring up a tornado, how she loves the seas but hated the water, and just - how she is. 


She is pained inside but it's actually fine with her. She doesn't mind goofing around, being clumsy and vulnerable at times. She makes mistakes and will probably make the same mistakes again. She is a mess - a wonderful mess. Her flaws added to perfection and when she smiles -  you'll fall deeper in love with her - again and again, until you can't get out anymore.


You'll love the way she talks, even when she babbles, you'll listen all ears anyway. She'll probably talk about the same topic for the nth time but it's okay with you because you know you'll miss her voice when she's not around.


She was a never-ending puzzle. One day you think you know her, the next day you'll be surprised of what she is and what she can do. 

She is a girl with endless possibilities, endless chances, endless stories, endless surprises, and undying hope.


She is the girl who can show you what infinity tastes like.


She can show you a whole more of this world - so much more than any man could ever fathom.


She does it so relentlessly she makes me want to believe in forever.

Ice of a heart

There is something about blue.

Something about it that pinched the back of his brain and brought back memories he tried to forget.

There's something about it that made him feel something - is it hate, is it love, or is it hate and love combined - I simply do not know.


Maybe because the color blue made him remember someone he once held so dearly.

Someone he used to spend the day with under the blue sky.

Someone with eyes so blue that matched the depth of the ocean.

Someone that gave him chills like the winter blue.


And when she left - she turned his whole life blue as well.



Blue is not the warmest of colors.
- at least it's not as cold as her heart. 

Mind over matter

It was probably just a thought that circled the walls of my mind that kept me still over the lazy hours.

It was, then it was not.

I've never imagined how a single thought could grow like a seed, spread like a parasite and feed up my brain as fast as like that - without me noticing how and when. It was amazing, actually, in a way I was surprised to see the effect it had in my body and in my actions. To think differently is to act differently - and when these actions became a part of the everyday cycle - it turns in to living.

The day I've decided to think positive, to think in a way that life has so much more to offer, to seek chances, and to believe that things will eventually get better, is the start where I've learned to live better. Happier. Stronger. And most of all packed with hope.

I have fed my mind with the idea to always look on the bright side of everything and to find something to look forward to throughout my days.


And so my wholeness followed with what my mind comprehended.


Mind over matter it is.